Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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