We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
