Ambien. No doubt about it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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