My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
