Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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