If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
