there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize