My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
