Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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