Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
