Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
