News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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