Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
