I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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