I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
