So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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