While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
