i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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