Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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