yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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