Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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