and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
