If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
