apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
