soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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