Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
