Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
