if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
