Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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