Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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