I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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