i just google imaged poop.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
