CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
