Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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