Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
