i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
