i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
