i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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