My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
