my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
