Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
