I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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