I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
