When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
