What did we do last night that was yellow?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
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He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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