Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
