it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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