there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
