Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
