Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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