Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
