dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
