I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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