We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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