Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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