I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
